i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Randomize