Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
