The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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