I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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