His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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