one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
