how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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