i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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