Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
