I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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