Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Randomize