If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
