Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
