Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
