Just took my morning after pill in the library
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
