I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
