I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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