Please don't use social media to get back at me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
