I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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