I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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