Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
