That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
