My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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