On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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