I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
