We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
