I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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