Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
