she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
