Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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