I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize