I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
