Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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