The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
