I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
