i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
