that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
