He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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