I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
