we made out on top of his cat.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize