I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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