Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
