your parents love me but you hate me
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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