The maid of honor just puked.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
