Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
