Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
