capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I need to stop coming to work sober
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
