My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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