just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
