Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
