i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
