He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
