God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
