omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize