Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
