At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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