have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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