I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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