Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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